Lazy Summer Thoughts: A true short story by Mayah
Slight Trigger Warning: Contains graphic and intense thoughts/ideas.
Mid May 2017
It’s nearing the end of this 2016-2017 school year and it seems to have hit me all at once. I just haven’t been enjoying it anymore. The dance, that is. I’ve been dancing all my life, and I can’t just let it slip away, but something feels so wrong when I think of trying to shape up for these competitions where everyone will judge me and how well I did. It doesn’t help that my scores don’t seem to be changing. They are, in fact, getting worse. Is it just that I’ve lost the energy? Am I somehow unimproving? I’ve been thinking that I feel stronger, but now I don’t know what to think….
That was so hard. I thought I couldn’t make myself do that, just walk in and say goodbye, but here I am and it’s done. It’s all over. My kilt is returned, farewells exchanged, and promises made to visit in the future. I think it was the right decision. I know it was the right decision, but I still feel lost. Why can’t I know what’s right anymore?
End of June 2017
Something about Hip-hop just excites me so much. Being able to move so fierce and powerful across the stage and doing it so fast just seems exhilarating. I won’t try to deny that I find the idea exciting, maybe a little scary and even rebellious. Who would ever have thought that sweet innocent little Mayah could do something so crazy. Maybe it’s time to show everyone a new side of me… After all, this is the pattern isn’t it? Something ends in my life and I have to decide which part of myself to show the world, because showing all of me would be too much for them to handle. They would be shocked at all these feelings trapped up inside and then I would be different to them. People would think of me differently and that’s something that I can’t control.
I’m moving to high school in just a couple short months and my life will be different. I won’t be different, but everyone has to think I am. They have to see what I want them to see. To see the cool girl who does the cool dance classes. I’m also a little nerdy, but that’s okay because I’m focused on what lies ahead. Always planning for the future, trying to forget the past, but I can’t seem to live in the present. If I can’t show the world my true self, then how do I know who I am? Maybe this is why I should be an actor, because I am always pretending, unsure of who I am and am not and doing my best to create a utopian personality for myself.
Oh, enough! I’M TIRED OF THINKING THIS WAY! I’M TIRED OF NOT KNOWING WHO I AM OR WHY I AM HERE!
I’ve been in the dumps a little lately, you know, when you just get sucked into your bed and lay for what feels like days on end watching YouTube videos. Although, something interesting has come of it: I’ve discovered the world of K-POP. I remember hearing about this a while back, thinking: who are these Korean boys in these odd costumes and fantastical Music Videos?, but it suddenly has a new appeal to me that wasn’t there before…
I feel pretty excited about this whole new world that I have discovered, but there is still a part of me that cannot let go of the ever-lurking doubt. I want to know who I am and why I am here. I just don’t want it to seem like I am trying to hard. I can’t just force myself to change; discover new hobbies, new interests, new music, new personality. Yet, I have the awful thought that that is exactly what I look like I’m doing. It’s not even that I care what other people think of me, but I care what I think of myself. And right now, I think I am using too many excuses.
I am so proud of myself right now! I deserve a pat on the back! I think I’ve nearly mastered this choreography. If this is what dancing really is, if it’s about losing yourself in the learning and the movement, then this is what I want. This is what happiness feels like. It’s so strange, I feel as though I have not felt like this in so long.
End of August 2017
I’ve done a lot of thinking over this summer. About who I am, about why I exist, about the world. I haven’t come to any conclusions. There’s no simple formula that I can tell you so you will know the secrets of life. All I can do and all I can tell is to keep going, keep living, and make the most of whatever comes your way.
This summer, I didn’t know what to think about myself or the world. I felt very alone in feeling this way, but I know now that I am not alone, because others have felt this too. And before I started writing this story out, I didn’t have a plan for what I was going to say. I don’t think I really even realized what I had learned this summer, until now. I learned that it’s not so much discovering who I am, it’s about creating who I am. When I make a decision or have an experience, my path changes, even if it’s in the smallest way.
Life isn’t happening to me, I am happening to life. So I say to life: “Bring it on.”
Thank you to BTS, my new dance center, and the amazingly talented dancers of So You Think You Can Dance Season 14 for reigniting my passion for dance. Thank you to BTS, my mum, and myself for helping me start to understand and become who I am and think deeply about the world around me. Thank you to my wonderful friends and family; you may not always know whats going on in this crazy head of mine, but you are there for me just the same and it means the world to me. Last, thank you to everyone who read my story. Your interest in my words is so appreciated and I hope that my story can help inspire someone else out there who needs it.